Mother of the Year Award.

We have all heard of it. If only it were a real thing that represented something good. Unfortunately we have all received it, some days we get it on more then one occasion. I know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't receive it at least once a day. So...I thought that I would help make everyone feel better and give you my Top 5 reasons why I am the mother of the year.

5. So far, having a second child has not been as hard as I anticipated it to be. But the hardest part is SLEEP! When you only have one kid, you can sleep when they sleep, not matter what time of the day, or night that it is. But, that doesn't work so well when you have two. Especially when the older one gave up naps at least 2 years ago. Needless to say, when the baby sleeps now, I have a lot more laundry to do, a lot more things to pick up off my floor, and a 3 year old to entertain. No time for sleep. I have turned my sweet little boy into a bit of a couch potato. If you turn "his shows" on for him, he is entertained. Ever since we got Laynee home from the hospital a normal morning consists of feeding the baby, turning on the T.V. for Kastyn, and then going to "lay down" with Laynee for a minute. Which is code for,"I'm going back to bed." I can't tell you how many times Kastyn has come in asking for breakfast and I have said "I'll get you some in just a minute." Then fallen back to sleep without realizing it. That is until Kastyn comes in yelling at me because he is STILL hungry, and I haven't gotten his breakfast yet. OOPS! Mother of the Year Award.

4. Last year I decided I was going to potty train Kastyn over Spring Break. Surprisingly it went really well. I made him a chart, and when it was full we would let him go pick out any toy that he wanted. Well he finally filled up the chart and we decided instead of getting him ANOTHER toy to add to the toy box(which really means, to add to my living room floor) we wanted to get him a bike, and start teaching him how to ride. Teaching this kid to ride a bike takes way more patients then God put in my patients cup. Its one of those "the glass is half empty" things. Our house in up a little hill, nothing to dramatic. So one day I was out there trying to teach him how to ride and he still wasn't getting it. But I noticed that when he was starting to go downhill, he was actually getting the motion of pedaling. LIGHT BULB! I just needed to let him go down the hill. I could run next to him so I could catch him if he falls! I AM A GENIUS!! Yeah not so much...he fell WAY faster then I expected him to, and he skinned his elbow. BAD!! Mother of the Year Award.

3. Yesterday we went to my Grandparents' house to have dunner for Fathers Day. After dinner we ended up going to a park nearby and playing some baseball with the cousins. First of all, I only brought 2 diapers with me! I didn't think we would need more then that. So naturally, Laynee pooped, and I didn't have a clean diaper to put on her. As I was getting her in her car seat I was paying more attention to talking to my aunts and cousin, and not enough attention to buckling the baby in. All of the sudden she started SCREAMING!!! We are talking bright red faced, refusing to breath screaming. I couldn't figure out what in the world was wrong until all of the sudden I saw it. The pinch mark on the inside of her thigh! I totally pinched her leg in the buckle of the car seat!! Mother of the Year Award.

2.I absolutely hate sharing my food! I cant tell you haw many times Kastyn has found me in the pantry with a mouth full of candy bar, or some other treat. I just give him a package of fruit snacks to make myself feel better. Mother of the Year Award.

1. We really struggle getting Kastyn to eat dinner. Lunch and breakfast is pretty easy because it is a lot of  kid food". This kid could seriously eat chicken nuggets, or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of his life and be totally fine with it. Around Christmas time I think it was in 2013 we had been gone all day long and he had been telling us he was hungry. So we stopped and got him some chicken nuggets from McDonald's We weren't hungry, and we KNEW he would eat chicken nuggets! Apparently since it was now dinner time, he didn't want chicken nuggets anymore. They were yucky! I was at my wits end and I let it all boil up at that one time. I started shoving chicken nuggets into his mouth!! What part of me thought that was a good idea? I don't know! But with as frustrated as I was, it was the best thing I could come up with at the time! I NEEDED HIM TO EAT!! So there I was shoving food in his mouth while he is crying and having a total meltdown, and the next thing I know he throws up all over me!! Serves me right!! I couldn't believe what I had just done. I wasn't accomplishing anything positive by doing what I had just done. I was dissipointed in my self for days!! Mother of the Year award.

I am happy to say that the scabs have healed, the pinch mark is gone, and Kastyn is actually starting to eat better. I still sleep more then I should and hide when I eat my treats, But hey 3 out of 5 aint bad! I'm a work in progress, we all are!! At the end of the day, I take a deep breath, kiss my kids good night, tell them I love them, and think about how cute they are as I am falling asleep, Then I wake up the next day and wait to screw up again!!

Life As We Knew It #nofilter

It didn't hit me how hard it was going to be having a baby in the NICU until I was discharged from the hospital, and going home without my baby. To a house where my other child wasn't going to be. (Kastyn stayed in Ephraim with Wesley's parents for a whole month! We only saw him 3 times in that whole time)For three days, although we were on different floors, all I had to do was get on the elevator and go see my baby whenever I wanted. And if I was tired or needed to get out for a minute, all I had to do was go back up to my room and sit in my bed. The day I was discharged from the hospital started out OK, until the time started ticking down and I realized that I was going to be spending the night an hour and a half away from my baby! I was going from,"She's just downstairs." to "she is in a whole other city over an hour away from me!" I don't think I talked much the whole way home. And no matter how nice it was to go home and sleep in my own bed, all I could think about was how bad I wanted to wake up and get back to my baby.

My sister lived only ten minutes away from the hospital, so we decided that Wesley would go back to work till we got her home, and I would crash on her couch and spend most of my time at the hospital. With Wesley up there with me on Wednesdays(his day off) and the weekends.

The first day went OK. I sat next to my baby in her room all day, And if I needed to get out I would walk down to the hospital cafeteria for lunch, dinner, or to refill my water jug. (The cafeteria at IMC is AMZAZBALLS by the way. We would go there to eat even if we weren't staying in the hospital). My sister worked late that night, so I hung out at the hospital till about 8:30 and decided to leave for the night. I had never been to her apartment before, so it was going to take me a bit to find it anyways. I got there, and literally started moving in to her apartment! I had enough stuff to make it through the week, including a huge blanket and pillow! So I had a lot of stuff. Plus my "hospital grade" breast pump that my insurance paid for me to rent from home health till she was two months old . You should see these suckers!! (I should have taken a picture of it before I gave it back) This thing weighed at leas 20 pounds! Then add the plastic box it comes in is another 5 pounds, with a strap to carry it by that wouldn't stay fastened for more then a minute.

OK enough complaining about how heavy the pump was!! Sorry I get off track sometimes! So I get there and set my huge pile of stuff in her living room, and take my place on the couch. We visited for a few minutes while she waited for her boyfriend to get off of work. When he got home, they decided to go out. She kept asking me if I would mind if she left, and I told her no. I really didn't mind! I didn't want her to feel like she had to entertain me, or be with me the whole time I was there. So they got ready, and they left. The second they closed the door and locked it behind them(I guess that is the kind of thing you do when you live in the city!), I just started bawling!! Not because she left me, or for any reason really! It was honestly just the first time that everything had came to a boiling point. From the minute I was told I was going to be riding on a helicopter and my baby was going to be born 8 weeks early, I never just let it all sink in. There was so much going on, and I had no clue what to expect. So there I was, completely alone for the first time in 4 days, and it all hit me! I had just spent the first day alone, 1 hour away from my husband, and 2 hours away from my little boy, and it hit me what the next few weeks of my life were going to be like.(I have never said anything, to anyone about this particular moment. Partly because I didn't want anyone feeling more sorry for me then they already did, and partly because I felt silly getting so upset, and I really had no idea why I was THAT upset! So Whitney if you are reading this, please do not feel bad! I promise its not because you left me alone in your apartment. Honestly I think I needed that five minutes alone to just break down and let it all sink in.)

I got to the NICU the next day and was told 2 things. 1-My baby had a heart murmur, and they were going to be doing an echo cardiogram to see what was causing that, and 2-There was a possibility of transporting Laynee to Utah Valley hospitals' NICU. Which would mean I could go home with my husband every night, and I would only be a half hour away from my baby. Wesley worked at Central Utah Clinic just across the street from the hospital. So I could just ride with him to work every day and he could come join us as soon as he was off work. A sense of relief came over me as I called Wesley to tell him the good news.

Her heart murmur ended up being a PDA and PDF, basically just fancy terms for saying that certain valves in her heart hadn't closed all the way yet. The murmur was gone by the time she was discharged from the hospital.

It took until the following Monday to get everything set up for the transport, and I honestly didn't know it was going to happen for sure until about 2 hours before it actually happened. They kept telling me that they were going to call and let us know when the Ambulance was on its way. So I went and grabbed some lunch, and went back to get some snuggle time with my baby until we knew what the plan was. When I got back from lunch the nurse told me that she hadn't heard anything yet, and she would let me know as soon as she did. I had been sitting in Laynee's room holding her for no more then 20 minutes when the intercom came on and said,"Life Flight is here for pod A2." A2? We were in pod A2! Was that message for me? I thought they were just taking her by ambulance and now Life Flight is here?

They pushed in a gurney with all sorts of monitors on it, and an incubator. And they had Life Flight clothes on. There was a man and a woman. The man was a respiratory therapist, and the woman was a nurse. The nurse started evaluating Laynee while the man started asking me questions.

Laynee was so upset that she was being bothered, and she had just been fed, so she was spitting up everywhere!! Like seriously EVERYWHERE!!! She stopped breathing for a minute because she had spit up so much. There was so much going on, and I was still so shocked that they sent a helicopter! I was even more confused when the man asked me if I was planning on riding with them or just following? After my own helicopter ride, I didn't think there was going to be enough room for me, And how in the heck was I supposed to FOLLOW a dang helicopter? He told me it would take about 40 minutes to get there(which is how long my own helicopter ride took from way farther away) So I finally asked them what they were driving. Turned out for whatever reason, they were wearing their Life Flight clothes in the ambulance. Confusion averted!!

I got all of our stuff together and loaded in my truck, and headed off to meet my baby at her new home away from home. I was so excited that we were going to be closer to home!

I checked into the NICU, walked through the door, my whole attitude changed and my  heart dropped! I HATED IT!! THIS PLACE WAS NOTHING LIKE IMC!!(Jen and Lisa if you are reading this please don't hate me!) For starters, she had a whole room all to herself in the other hospital.  This place was one big room filled with babies, and the only thing separating us from everyone else was a curtain. I regretted my decision immediately! I felt so selfish for moving her to this place just so I could be closer to home. They pulled me right in, introduced me to her nurse(our personalities clashed immediately!) and had me start re-labeling all of my frozen milk. I had a WHOLE KITCHEN SIZED TRASH BAG full of frozen milk! As soon as we were done with that they showed me around the floor and got me a pump so that I could pump at Laynee's bedside. I was an hour and a half past the time I needed to pump. I closed the curtain, and completely lost it!! With nurses and doctors coming in and out trying to get everything settled, and watching me uncontrollably melt down!
(Note to anyone reading this that is currently in the NICU: If you have melt downs in front of them they bring you treat buckets. The next day they felt so bad that I was so upset they brought me a whole bucket full of treats, Wesley told me I needed to keep it up if that's what we would get out of it!)

Wesley got there and it got worse! I tried so hard to stop. But no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't. And it got worse! In Murray we could have any one who wanted to visit come in as long as we didn't have more then 4 people in the room. No one younger then 14 could come in, except for siblings. So Kastyn was able to go in and see her when he was there. At Utah Valley we could choose 4 visitors, and as soon as we picked those 4 people, we couldn't change our list. And Kastyn wasn't allowed in until Mothers day, which was 3 weeks away!

As we let that sink in, the doctor came in and explained that one of the babies in Murray's NICU had a contagious bacterial infection. Laynee was going to have to be on isolation until they were sure that she didn't have it. The odds of her having it were basically zero, but they had to be safe. They had to do a "rectal swab" every night for 3 nights, and each test took 24 hours to do. She was in isolation for 5 days.

I went home telling myself that I HAD to go back with a better attitude. I kept telling myself that all sorts of babies had gone through that NICU and were totally fine. I was never actually worried that they wouldn't take care of her, Everything was just so different then what I had spent a week getting used to. And the next day was better. Every day it got a little better. She got out of isolation, we got new nurses that we LOVED, and we got used to a new way of living in this new place.

Every weekend, someone would ask me,"So when is she coming home?"
My response was always,"We don't really know, hopefully next week." Next week was always my answer. It was the worst waiting game of my life. All she had to do was eat consistently on her own and she could go home. They kept telling me that they usually pick that up between 36 and 37 weeks. But the first few times that we breast fed her she nailed it! We thought that we had this rock star baby, and that they were going to be sending her home way earlier then they expected.

 My biggest goal date to get her home was always Mother's Day. For a couple days, that goal actually seemed obtainable. Then all of the sudden she zonked out on us and was not interested in eating at all. They kept telling us that was totally normal, it was also totally annoying, and totally discouraging.

I hated breast feeding Kastyn. I had to use a nipple shield because he never latched, and it felt like a chore. I felt like all I was doing was feeding him, and I was the only one that could feed him. But with Laynee it was different. I actually really enjoyed it. I don't know if it was because at the time it felt like it was the only thing that I could do for her. Or if I just had a better attitude about it, But it was going great. Except for the days that she was so tired she didn't want to do it anymore. I felt like it was wearing her out. And it was discouraging me because I would feel like she was doing really well, only to find out that she only got 10 of her 48 ml that she was supposed to get. So a little over a week before they sent her home, we decided to switch to strictly bottle feeding, and I would continue to pump so she was still getting the breast milk.

Mother's Day came, and we were still in the hospital. The best part of my day was that they opened up the unit for "summer visitor rules" which meant that we could take Kastyn in to see her. It wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I thought about that day. I wanted my kids home. But if I couldn't have them home, this was the next best thing. Up until that day, it was the first day I had been so happy since Laynee was born.

Everyone kept telling us that one day she was just going to catch on to eating, and all of the sudden they would be telling us we would be home in 2 days. I never believed them until it actually happened. Everyday she would eat a little more then the feeding before. One day, they were still kind of questioning her, and the next day they were making arrangements for us to "room in" the next night.

When your baby is being sent home with oxygen, and a monitor, you have to stay in one of the rooms they provide for the night before you take her home. Just so that you have a nurse right down the hall if you need them. I honestly thought that was going to be a very long night. But it actually went really smooth. The monitor never went off. She only woke up twice to eat and went right back to sleep. We were discharged by 9:00 that morning and on our way home.

At the time it felt like the longest month of my life. I remember sitting there thinking so many times that we were never going to get out of there. I even said that to one of our favorite nurses and I will always remember her asking me,"Do you see any 12 year olds being gavaged?" (that what they called it when they would feed them through the feeding tube). But now that its over, it seems like it flew by. I sit here and try and remember which nurse we had what day, and I realize how fast it went. I don't miss it one bit, But I do miss some of the AWESOME people we met there. And getting to visit with them all day long. I learned things that I never would have learned if she would have been a full term baby. And although it was scary situations that brought on those learning experiences, I am so grateful for them, and grateful for the experience, Wesley and I have never been closer, and I am so much more grateful for the little moments with my kids.

   

The Day I Became a NICU Momma

In January of 2014, my husband Wesley and I decided we wanted to "pull the goalie" and add baby number 2 to our family. We had a two year old little boy named Kastyn, and we felt like we were ready to give him a baby brother or sister.

Backtrack a little to May 2010. We found out I was pregnant for the first time, and couldn't have been more thrilled. It was time to have our first child! When I was about 6 weeks along, I had gone to lunch with my cousin, and we had just gotten to the mall for a little retail therapy. I went into the bathroom as soon as we got there, and my heart sank. I was bleeding! I hadn't told my cousin I was pregnant, I was planning on waiting until I was a little farther along. But I am not someone who can hide her feelings. Especially when it came to the disappointment of this situation. And to make it worse, I had bled through my KHAKI pants! Luckily, I was at the mall! I could go buy a new pair of pants to get home! Unluckily, I was at the mall, on a Saturday! I now had to now walk through a building with everyone and their dog, and a huge blood spot on my pants!

I got home later that afternoon, in my new pants, and told Wesley that I was bleeding and had miscarried. His grandma, who we were living with at the time, suggested we go to the hospital. Just to make sure everything was OK. Wesley was a student x-ray tech at Gunnison Valley Hospital, so that is where we decided to go. That way we would know the people checking me out.

As they were doing the ultrasound, they kept hhmm-ing. Talk about being confused. I was staring at a screen that was showing my insides, which I had no idea what anything was! And all anyone who did know what they we looking at was hhmm-ing! Finally she said,"Well, there is still a heart beat, you are still pregnant!" WAHOO!! "But... you have a Bicornuate Uterus."

"What the heck does that mean?" I thought to myself as Wesley and I both looked at each other, totally confused. Come to find out, a Biconruate Uterus, is a heart shaped uterus. Some women have it and it gives them a lot of problems. Other women go their whole lives, or a whole pregnancy without ever knowing they have it. 

Unfortunately, I am in the "it gives you problems" category. And about 3 weeks later, I did miscarry that pregnancy. 14 months, 4 midnight emergency room visits, and a whole pregnancy of bed rest due to random bleeding problems, we welcomed our first child into the world! Although my pregnancy was terrible, he was born at 39 weeks 3 days, and weighed in at 6 pounds 6 ounces, and 19 inches long. He was tiny and perfect and we were so so in love!

Deciding to get pregnant again was not easy. My pregnancy with Kastyn was anything but easy, adn I gained 60 pounds! I had been running for a couple of years and didn't want to have to give that up. I was finally feeling really good about myself. But it felt right! We knew it was time to add another bundle of joy to our family. 

I got pregnant in September 2014, with a due date of June 2, 2015. And I was very anxious to see what this pregnancy was going to be like. To our surprise, it was a great pregnancy! I had one "bleeding episode" at about 7 weeks, but it never happened again. We found out just before Christmas that we were having a little girl, and I was thrilled!! We were going to have one of each! I was able to run up until about 25 weeks, and then I was getting big enough that it hurt my whole body to run and I had to give in and quit until after I had the baby. But everything was going so good I was OK with that. I had gained more weight then I was hoping to, but not close to as much as I gained with my first pregnancy. Things were going great!  

I woke up the morning of April 11, 2015 and was feeling normal. I was 32 weeks and 4 days, and we had just scheduled a repeat c-section that Wednesday for May 28. There was finally a light at the end of the tunnel! (Kastyn got stuck and my labor with him ended in an emergency c-section. So they thought that would be the best rout to go with this one.) We were visiting family for the weekend in Ephraim, about an hour away from our home in Santaquin. It was mny little brothers 10th birthday, and we had spent a lot of the day hanging out with him, my parents, and my grandparents. Talking about how soon this baby was going to be here!

 We went back to my in-laws house where we were staying, and started to get ready for dinner. Normally we leave on Saturday night to go home so we don't have to be up super early on Sunday morning and make the hour long drive to be home in time for church at 9:00 am. But Wesley wanted to go turkey hunting with his brother-in-law and a friend that night. So we decided we would be fine to get up early the next morning, so that he could go. While he was gone, I started having contractions. We had finished tying a quilt for the baby a little earlier, and had been sitting around the kitchen table on the hard chairs for a couple of hours. So I thought I was just cramping up from all of that and didn't say anything. 

Wesley got back from hunting, ate dinner, and we moved into the living room. I thought that once we were sitting on the soft couches my "cramping" would stop and we would go to bed and go home in the morning. After two hours, not only did it not stop but they got closer together. When we went down stairs to go to bed I finally told Wesley what had been going on and that I was pretty sure we were going to be making a trip to the hospital. We got into bed and I timed my contractions while Wesley slept. A half hour after we got into bed, I woke Wesley up and told him we needed to go. I was now relieved that we had decided to stay one more night, cause we could leave Kastyn sleeping at my in-laws house.

As we were on our way to the hospital I just kept hoping it would all stop. Or that we would get there and they would be able to give me some sort of medicine to make the contractions stop. As much as I didn't want to be pregnant anymore, I knew it was way to early. We got there and they hooked me up to the monitors and started asking me all of the questions they always ask you. When the nurse got done with the questions, she turned the monitor to show me my "ant hill" contractions as she called them, and said she was going to go update the doctor on-call and see what he wanted her to do. Not long after, she came back in and said that the doctor wanted her to "check me". She said that she didn't think it was necessary, but that she would do it since he asked her to, All I could think about was that no matter what she thought was necessary, this WAS NOT supposed to be happening yet and they nedded to get it figured out. As she checked me, her eyed widened, and she went to grab another nurse to make sure she wasn't crazy. The second nurse came in, checked me, and said,."Yep, she is dilated to a 4 and I can feel the head." 

WHAT!! That wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to check me, tell me I wasn't dilated, give me medicine to stop the contractions, and send me home. Instead they were making arrangements for Life Flight to come pick me up because that hospital doesn't deliver babies earlier then 37 weeks. Not only was I being put on Life Flight, but the nearest hospital with a NICU, Utah Valley Hospital in Provo, was full and on divert. So I was being flown to Inter-mountain Medical Center in Murray. A 40 min. helicopter ride, and almost another hour of driving past Provo that Wesley was going to have to do to meet me there. They gave me the steroid shot that helps develop the babys' lungs faster and started getting me ready for my first helicopter ride. 

I had no clue what to expect in my helicopter ride. They showed up and started literally strapping me into the bed, and then using me as a table for the monitors, because there wasn't enough room for all of it, and me one the helicopter. Wesley, his Grandma, who was spending the night at the hospital already with her boyfriend who was super sick, and his Mom, were with me and they wheeled me out to the parking lot to put me on the helicopter. And Wesley and his mom jumped in our truck and headed North to Murray. I will never forget how long that "40 min" helicopter ride felt! I remember hearing them say we were flying over Provo, and it seemed like we had been in there for an hour at least! But, we finally got there, and they got me all squared away in a labor and delivery room. 

Wesley and his mom got there around 4 o'clock on Sunday morning, the 12th of April. I was still at a 4 when they checked me, when I got to IMC. We spent that whole day sitting in my room, talking to all sorts of doctors giving us "our options" as the contractions continued. By around 7 o'clock that night the pain medicine that they were giving me had stopped working, so they decided to check me again. After almost 24 hours in labor, I was dilated to 6 cm, and they decided there was going to be no stopping things and offered me the epidural if I wanted it. OF COURSE I WANTED IT!! I don't have much pain tolerance. 

I was able to sleep really good that night. Even with the nurse coming in every hour to check on me. I had no pain, and they had put in a catheter, so I wasn't getting up every five min to go to the bathroom anymore. At 3:00 am they came in to give me the second steroid shot. The goal was to at least get both of them into me before she came. So we were grateful I made it that long, even though it made for a really long couple of days. They day shift doctor came in to check me at around 7:00 am the morning of April 13 and I had gone from a 6 to an 8 through the night. They decided that the best thing to do would be to break my water and deliver this baby.

I was so torn!! I remember being so so happy that I wasn't going to be pregnant anymore, and that the pain was going to stop. But we had talked to the NICU doctors and I knew she was to early. They told us to plan on being in the NICU until her due date, June 2! Almost 2 months! And even as they told me that I kept telling myself, we'll only be here two weeks tops!

The doctor came in and broke my water at 8:00 am and I was completely dilated by 8:30 am. So they started prepping. We had decided that even though I was originally supposed to have a c-section, we were going to try a V-back.(a vaginal delivery). Either way that I delivered, I was going to have to deliver in the operating room. They had windows in there with a nurse waiting that went directly into the NICU. The delivery went great!! Laynee May Hermansen was born by vaginal delivery at 9:40 am after only 40 min. of pushing. We got to look at her for two seconds before they whisked her off to the NICU for evaluation. She weighed in a 5 pound 5 ounces, and was 18 inched long and had a head full of dark hair! A great size for a baby that was 8 weeks early! 

They let Wesley go in and see her as soon as they got done examining her, and I was able to go in on my way up to my new hospital room. She was perfect, and I was instantly in LOVE!! So was her big brother. My father-in-law had brought Kastyn up just in time to see Laynee with us.

They took me up to my room, me upstairs, and my beautiful new baby downstairs. I settled in for what I thought was going to be just a couple weeks of hospital living. Little did I know how wrong I was, and what was going to be one of the hardest experiences of my life.