Life Lessons of the NICU

I know, I know, I have harped on this NICU thing long enough. I feel like its starting to get far enough behind us that I need to just stop talking about it. But the fact of the matter is, it was a huge part of our life. It was where we started getting to know our sweet little girl. Having a baby in the NICU was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, and also one of the most amazing things. When you hear about the NICU you always here about all of the hard and scary things that go on there, but you never hear about all of the good things. Now that we are home, I find myself missing little things about it. I sometimes find myself wondering what the NICU nurses are talking about at that moment. We went and visited yesterday, and though I was hyperventilating as I was walking through the hospital, it was so good to see all of those amazing people who helped us and took care of our Laynee.

When you have a full term baby you get sent home 1-3 days later with your baby in tow, and you just figure it out. When you have a baby in the NICU you aren't aloud to leave until you have taken a CPR class. I took the class as soon as I could so I wouldn't have to worry about it later. But I didn't know that my "education" would end there. The hardest thing to understand about a premature baby that was Laynee's size is that they look fine! On the outside they are a perfect tiny little baby. But on the inside, there are so many basic things that they just don't know how to do. Like eating! It takes them a lot more time then I ever expected to figure out how to eat, and how to eat without getting tired. Which means there is a lot of choking involved. I never thought I would have to learn how to stimulate my baby to get her to breath. I will never forget the first time she stopped breathing while she was eating. Her lips started turning blue before the monitors started going off. At first I couldn't believe that the nurse was watching me try to figure it out. But as she talked me through what I neede to do, I started to calm down a little. As Laynee started to breath again, I realized, my nurses hands were there the whole time. She was totally ready to take her at the chance that I was unable to do what I needed to do. I am SO glad she didn't. Although scary, I needed to learn that. I have had to use those skills since we have brought her home. I remember them telling me she would grow out of it, and I didn't understand how one could "grow out" of choking. But she did! Her brain is developed enough now that she knows what to do to recover if she is chocking.

I learned that every bodies situation is different. There were so many days that I would go home so discouraged because I had to sit there and watch someone take their baby home, and they had only been there for a couple of days. I had been there for 3 week! Why were they going home and we weren't?!?! Because their babies weren't as early as mine. Their baby could breath without oxygen, mine couldn't. Their baby was ready, my wasn't. I was lucky enough to be able to spend almost all of my time at the hospital. Kastyn was being taken care of by my in-laws, and even though I missed him like crazy, it was so nice to be able to spend all of the time I wanted(sometimes needed to more then wanted to) at the hospital. I didn't have to worry about getting home to get him from the baby sitter, and try and go back and forth all day. This however created a judging problem in my head. The mom of the baby next to use was never there! Her baby was born the day after Laynee and they were the same gestational age. He wasn't on oxygen, and picked up on eating a little faster then Laynee did. I was so so frustrated that I was spending all of my time there with my baby, and her baby seemed to be doing better. "Seemed" being the key word! He only went home a day earlier then we did. I had these terrible feelings toward this mom up until about 3 days before we were able to come home. I was walking out to my truck to go home for the night, and I ran into this mom in the parking garage. O crap I thought!! Now she is going to talk to me, and I am going to have to pretend to be nice to her. Come to find out, she had had strep throat for a week and then the rest of her family got it. So that is why she wasn't there for 2 of the 4 weeks that they were there. Plus she had 3 other kids at home, one of them a little younger then Kastyn, who begged her not to leave every time she needed to go to the hospital. She had tears in her eyes as she was telling me about this. Then she did it!! She said,"I am so glad that I can talk to you about this! We are both going through this together, and even though we don't know each other, I feel like we have this awesome connection knowing exactly how the other one feels!" Then she gave me a big HUGE hug! As I walked away, I felt like I had just been kicked in the stomach with metal cleats! This woman had just been so nice to me, and in the last three weeks, I had not one good thought about her! I was such a terrible person! However, I do find it much easier to slow my judgement on people I don't know. And I am committed to teaching this lesson to my children. You never know what someone is going through just by looking at them, or hearing bits and pieces of their life through a curtain.

I learned how to appreciate all the little things my kids do. Kastyn came to visit one night and got a couple of toys out while he was home. They didn't get put away until after we were home. I even vacuumed around them! Now my house gets really messy and I make him clean it up every couple of days. But I always remind myself how sad I was when he wasn't here to make a mess. Every milestone Laynee has made, big or small, has been so amazing to me! I get so excited every time she does something new! Just being able to pick her up and hold her for as long as I want is still an amazing feeling! It may also be a little bit of the reason why she is so spoiled!

I have always known that Wesley loves me. And that he will always be here for me when I need him. but this experience reiterated that for me. From the minute that we found out that our baby was really coming  8 weeks early he was AMAZING! I could tell that he was freaking out! Partly from the tears running down his face,(He NEVER cries. I think I have only seen it one other time in the 10 years that we have known each other.)But even though he was scared, he gave me the most amazing priesthood blessing! After that, I knew that no matter what happened or how hard it got, we were going to get through it. TOGETHER! We had a lot of alone time during that month, and I learned that it is possible to be intimate with each other even though we weren't aloud to be "intimate"(wink, wink!)

Like I said, it was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. It was also the most AMAZING thing I have ever been through. I hope to one day help parents like me have as positive of a NICU experience as possible.

A Letter to My Kids

I have been in a bit of a funk lately. I can't seem to pinpoint why, but I could give a few reason why it may be happening. But I am not writing this to complain about what is going on in my head. Cause we would be here all night, and it wouldn't solve anything. However, as I impatiently wait for this "funk" to pass, I can't help but look at my kids and hope that they never have to feel the way that I have felt at many times in my life. I believe that they were put on this earth because they are strong enough to handle the hardships that go along with being a kid in this generation. But I never want to see them go through the things that I did, or worse, harder things, and not know what to do for them. I know that it is inevitable that this is going to happen. So I wrote them a letter of the things I hope that they can learn from my life experiences.

My sweet children,

As your Mom, I will always hope that you know how special you are. However, I know that it is not that easy. I remember coming home so upset because of a boy(most of the time your Dad:)) or trouble with friends and my parents would tell me,"Brother So and So, or Mrs. So and So has nothing but good things to say about you. They are always talking about how positive and friendly you are." I remember thinking, "Are you guys nuts? I don't care what YOUR friends think! That is not going to make that boy like me, or that girl be friends with me" I get it, at your age, the opinion of an adult is nothing more then a grain of sand. I wish I could tell you it will get easier, but it doesn't. Even at my age I watch people that I associate with get together and I wonder what its so wrong with me that they don't ever think to invite me. I hope that you can learn at a young age that it doesn't matter how many friends you have, or how often you get invited to do things. What matters is knowing who you are, and being confident in that knowledge.

As a teenager, I was so desperate to have friends that I was willing to compromise my morals, and do things that I knew were wrong just so I could feel excepted by my peers. All that got me was a ticket for $1,300, 40 hours of community service, and a huge moment in my life where I realized that I could never trust those people that I thought were my friends. It is never worth it to disrespect yourself in order to gain the "respect" of others.

NEVER GIVE UP! When you find your passion, the thing that you love, hold on to it until you reach your full potential. Never let anyone tell you that you cant do something. Never let them tell you that you are not good enough, or that you should just give up. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!! You can do anything that you set your mind to. Never be afraid to try new things and push your limits. It OK to be a little scared sometimes, or to go outside of your comfort zone. Those are the things that will make you strong.

Kastyn, I never want you to feel like you are different then everyone else. Those things that make you different just make you, you. There is nothing wrong with having those little things that make us different, If we weren't supposed to be different we would all look the same. And though it may have made things easier, it would have also made for a boring life. You have a personality like no other person in this world. You are so smart and pick up on things so fast, we don't even know where these things come from. Always be YOU, and never let anyone make you feel like that isn't good enough.

My sweet Laynee, if there is one thing I want you to learn as a girl, it is to take care of, and love your body. I have always had insecurities with the way that my body looked, and I never want you to feel the way that I have felt. It is OK if you don't look like the girls on the magazines, or in the movies. Never compare yourself to other people. You don't know their story, and they don't know yours.

Always remember, we are not given tough times to punish us. We are given tough times to make us stronger. The things that we go through in life strengthen our relationships, and make us appreciate the things that we may have been taking for granted. Tough times never last, but tough people do. You are never alone. You will always have a Heavenly Father that is there for you. Turn to him often. Be strong! Love life! And always know that you are good enough!!

Love, MOM