Here I sit, rocking my baby who I just got to settle down after 2 hours of crying, and now that I have this FINALLY peaceful baby in my arms, all I keep thinking is,"my NICU nurses would have figured this out an hour and a half ago." My head hurts, I just snapped at Kastyn, which he responded to asking for a kiss, and I just want to quit!!
Even with all of that, I would never say that having two kids has been hard for me. It's actually been a lot better then I expected, and I think I appreciate it more because I didn't have either of them home with me for the first month that I was actually a "2 kid parent". Honestly on days like today, I don't think that I am not cut out to have 2 kids. I think that I am not cut out to have any kids. Patients is never something that I have had much of, and it wasn't taught in my home. Exploding when you hit your boiling point is what we learned how to do.
Every night I pray that the next day I will have the patients to let Laynee cry, and to not get mad at Kastyn when he is being a tyipical 3 year old. But it's not easy for me. No matter how hard I pray for it I struggle every day. But I am trying! I'm trying really hard! And I think that's why Kastyn asks me for a kiss after I yell at him. And why I get to look at this beautiful baby girl in my arms while my head is pounding from her 2 hour crying marathon. Because I CAN do it! I can still be a good mom, even though I loose it more then I should. And my kids have heard me yell as much as they have heard me laugh. They also know I love them.
Maybe one day I'll be able to solve a problem without blowing up, or completely shutting down. But for now I am going to give out the kisses, no matter how crappy I feel about my actions after. I'm a loud mom, but I am a work in progress, and one day, it's going to pay off.
No comments:
Post a Comment